I hate when you start seeing the differences between you and others and start getting back imposter syndrome.
One of my percieved downfalls is that I have never shapeshifted the body, never transformed any limbs, never. I feel like I don't belong in the community with some holotheres and physical nonhumans because my "physicality" is not obvious like theirs. (Let's not even talk about how my identity as a headmate is often reduced to "unreal" because no one outside our vessel can see me and my clear nonhumanity). The plights seem so intertwined, all about a lack of visible presence in the way others demand.
They don't see my mind and my behaviours, the very internals of the brain as physical as any other organ. They don't see my expectations of my body, my dysphoria, my proprioception. That isn't proof enough for others, and so it has internalised into me. I've never seen fur, or a tail, or paws, I've never really felt one, so maybe it's not real. In society's lens I am existing out of belief alone and belief is not enough.
I would deal with the pain or discomfort, if only I could have it like others do. If only I could be so certain of what I am and what I am not because I see it in front of my eyes and in the mirror. Seeing isn't always believing, but good god I want to see. I want to see it. I want to see me. But I will never, I have to come to accept that.
Trying to do anything on my own is just leaving me hollow and disappointed every time. I have tried. Every cell in my body burns with hope, I clench my fists and imagine myself ripping out - and I leave the moment as human looking as ever. Not so much as a ghost or a phantom. It would likely take a significant decrease in mental status to trigger any kind of visual hallucinations, that or drugs I can't get.
I'm still physically nonhuman. But my hands stay hands, no matter how hard I look. I stare and stare and try and try and they don't change. Because they will never change.